© Beverley Paine

I always say 'drive carefully' or 'be safe' as my now young adult children drive off... And then one day it occurred to me that I was kind of making a statement by my consistent insistent behaviour, that is exhorting my young people to 'do' something I felt to be valuable, that they weren't naturally capable of doing it without a timely reminder from me!

I thought carefully about my need to say these words and realised that I believed I was warding off potential disaster... indulging in a bit of superstition. I had to smile. I still smile. And I still say 'drive carefully' or 'be safe'.

I personally like the 'be safe' statement better. My children react better to that one. I've also talked to them about why I say it: talked about my fears, my insecurities, the superstition (touch wood) aspect of saying it aloud.

Whenever I remember I let my kids know why I say or do the things I do. Most of the time we simply assume that we know why our family members or friends say and do things, and sometimes this is accurate but sometimes it's not. I find that being clear about motive diffuses a lot of relationship issues based on miscommunication.

The more I practiced explaining my motives, the easier it became to identify the true, underlying motives and to strip away any inaccurate assumptions I harboured. It takes courage to be honest and open and a lot of trust that others will appreciate my honesty, but the quality of my friendships keep improving and that's something I very thankful for!

This is particularly gratifying as a parent of older teens moving into adult life. Most parents bemoan the deterioration of their relationships with their young adult children, shifting the blame to the children or to 'the generation gap'. I believe I've found a way of bridging that gap and maintaining the closeness we enjoyed while the children were young. I'm forever grateful for the opportunity to homeschool them as I believe this gave us the time needed to discover these insights."